The End

I am slowly watching a very dear friend of mine die.  There’s no other way to put it.  I could try to sugar coat things and call it “passing away” or “nearing the end” but the truth is she’s dying.

It hurts.  A lot. My tears as I type this are a testament to that.

I’m not one for woe-is-me type posts, but indulge me and let me be a little self absorbed on this one.

I remember meeting the gruff police sergeant many moons ago, sharing too many wines, ciggies and belly laughs.  Lyn was always so full of life.  The biggest personality in any room and the loudest, most commanding voice.  Her tough exterior hid a soft and gentle soul.  She loves my kids almost as much as I do.  Even though she’s not a ‘kid person’.  It was Lyn who dubbed them Stinky and Lucky.  Stinky was because of the revolting smells that used to come from Miss7’s nappies when we’d spend the night at Lyn’s house.  I’m not sure why she named Mr2 Lucky – I like to think it’s because he was such a long-time coming to join our family.  We are very lucky to have him.  Perhaps she had another reason, but I’ll never know.

Cancer is a horrid disease, it rids you of everything.  Everything.

Over my 35 years, I’ve experienced my fair share of death and in a way I’m desensitised.  That may seem cold (and perhaps I am) but in my little world, it’s a part of life.  However, it doesn’t hurt any less to know that My Lyn won’t be here to see Stinky & Lucky grow up to be awesome humans, but there’s a part of me that knows she’s in pain and I want her to let go for that reason.  I want the pain to stop.  I want HER pain to stop.

The selfish Me wants her to hold on.  I want to go there and sit by her bed talking incessantly about things that don’t really matter.  I want to hold her hand and let her know what Lucky did to make me smile today.  I want to go back to Bali with her and haggle over 50c with the street vendors while she slips them 50,000rp. I want to see her smile.  It doesn’t matter what I want.

Cancer wins.  Cancer will get the last say.

Cancer is f*cked.

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